This Is Who I Am
by B00ksy9
Summary: "You are everything I hate," he says. His words are like poison, slowly killing me. After the Battle of Hogwarts, Draco realises that his feelings about... Well, everything, have changed, but especially towards Harry Potter. He is prepared to give up everything for Harry, but Harry still can't see that Draco has changed... Draco's PoV. T for safety.
1. Chapter 1

I'm hiding. Hiding like the coward I am, to afraid to stand up to anyone. I ran up here after Harry saved me from the Room of Requirement.

I wish he hadn't.

I sit on my own in the silence and slowly growing light. Suddenly my mind registers the silence. The sounds of fighting, the screams and shouts, it's all stopped. I look up. I'm alone, at least, all that keeps me company are three bodies and a rat. Two death eaters and a student. I can't bear to turn the student over to identify them. I know this will only bring the reality of what is happening crashing down on me. The knowledge that someone I knew, someone I went to school with, is dead... I'm struggling to comprehend what exactly is going on. The last however many hours are a blur to me.

I haul myself to my feet, using the cold, stone window frame to support me. The glass was smashed when the fighting was here. I look out across what was formerly my school. From the Astronomy tower, you can see every inch of the grounds. At first I notice nothing, but I'm too busy taking in the massive destruction that has hit Hogwarts. It looks like... I can't even describe how awful it is. There aren't the right words in any language. I remember what Flitwick said in a Charms lesson a lifetime ago: that Hogwarts appears as a ruin to any Muggle. It couldn't look much different from what it's like now. I laugh quietly to myself, though nothing's funny. I just think it's strange how our brain supplies us with the weirdest of information at the weirdest of times. I look around more and realise that every person in the school has come out and is waiting on the steps outside the entrance hall. They are all silent. No one moves. I wonder why.

Then I catch movement out of the corner of my eye. Someone is coming towards the school, through the forbidden Forest. I can see the trees shaking. Birds fly away. They must have a giant or something with them. The rustling nears the edge of the forest and the first of the party steps out into clear view. I can see that it is a Death Eater, but from where I am I can't make out the face.

Then I see the oaf Hagrid. He's carrying something. It looks like... A body. My head swims. It can't be. Hagrid's shoulders heave and I realise he's crying. I feel the blood drain from my face as my fears are confirmed. There is only one person who that body could be. I squeeze my eyes shut. The silence is deafening. This can't be happening, I can't believe that-

"Harry Potter is dead!"

I hear screams, terrible, agonising screams, but they are nothing compared to the scream building inside myself. My heart stops, I can't breathe, my whole world is spinning out of control.

My former master motions and Hagrid gently places the body of the boy I love on the floor. The boy I have hated, been taught to hate, fought, tried to kill, and love. I slide to the floor and tears stream from my eyes. The Dark Lord continues to talk but I am too numb to register his speech.

Without Harry, the Dark Lord will be able to take over the wizarding world- and the Muggle one. I realised a while ago that I didn't want this to happen. And all the time I've been following my father and the Dark Lord, hoping that Harry will finally defeat him and everything will be right again, too scared to act myself. But that dream is over. From now on there is only fear and pain and darkness. Now there is no one to stop him.

It took me too long to figure out how I felt about Harry and now he'll never know. Suddenly I feel a white hot pain in my chest. I realise it's rage- I'm furious at my father, the Dark Lord, myself, everyone I ever met or knew, and at Harry.

The anger passes and my head clears, then fills again with the sound of a battle. I'm confused. I thought the fighting was over a long time ago. I stand up again, shaking, and look outside. I'm amazed to see that people are still fighting. Maybe we can still win this without Harry. His body is hidden by the surging mass of people. They are dropping, dying, all over. It's a terrible sight. The fight starts to move back indoors. I can't bear to look but I can't seem to tear my eyes away. I watch with a grim fascination. Almost everyone who is still alive is inside now.

There's an abrupt swell in the volume of the sounds coming from the Great Hall. It sounds like cheering. I sit up, instantly alert. It could be the Death Eaters or the others. From here, I can't tell. Just as suddenly, there is silence. I have to know what is going on. Slowly I begin to walk. I stumble a few times as I head towards the Great Hall. As I get closer, I make out two voices. I strain my ears to try to identify them but I am still too far away. I quicken my pace a little, desperate to get there and to see for myself. I ignore the fallen that lie around me. Now I'm close. I turn the final corner and try to take in the scene in front of my eyes.

First I recognise the Dark Lord. He is standing in the middle of the Hall. Crowds line the walls, staring. I edge closer. He's talking.

"... against its last master's wishes! Its power is mine!"

"You still don't get it, Riddle, do you?"

I have to stop myself from gasping as I recognise the voice. Harry is alive! A tear drops down my nose. My heart feels like it will burst and I am giddy. I can't believe it. He beat the Dark Lord again. He may be able to do it once more, for the last time.

I hear my name and I immediately start to listen again.

"But what does it matter?" The cold, sinister voice fills me with dread. The Dark Lord could still survive. "Even if you are right, Potter, it makes no difference to you and me. You no longer have the phoenix wand: we duel on skill alone... And after I have killed you, I can attend to Draco Malfoy."

I jolt as he says my name. I close my eyes. Harry can't die now, not after everything he's done.

"But you're too late," says Harry. I open my eyes again to see what is happening. I can't bear not knowing. "You've missed your chance. I got there first. I overpowered Draco weeks ago. I took this wand from him."

Again, my name makes me jump. I remember that fight. It was then that I really decided which side of this war I wanted to be on. Harry is whispering. I can't hear him. Suddenly dawn breaks and as it does, both cast a curse. I can't look. I shut my eyes and walk back around the corner. I hear a huge bang and light floods the corridor next to me. It seems to last forever but it can't be more than a few seconds later when there's another silence. Only a second later, screams and cheers fill the dawn. I carefully peek around the corner again. Either side could have won. I see hundreds of people rushing to the centre of the room. Many of the crowd are in Hogwarts robes. I know what this means. Harry did it. I slide to the floor and sob. It's over. I no longer have anything to be afraid of. After a long time my tears and the noise in the hall subside. I stand up and slip into the hall unnoticed. I take a place at the end of one of the tables. I can't help seeing the fifty or so bodies, lying in a row. Those people were brave, braver than I have ever been. My eyes slide around the room until I spot Harry, sitting in the middle of a group of his closest friends. I see people walk over to talk to him.

Then Luna the Looney wanders towards him and speaks quietly into his ear. He nods. She moves away slightly and then shouts "Look, a Blibbering Humdinger!" and points. Everyone looks around to try and spot it. I bet those things don't even exist. I keep watching Harry until he disappears. I know about his Invisibility Cloak. The door to the Great Hall swings open slightly, then closes again. I stand up and follow him.


	2. Chapter 2

_This chapter's kind of short but yeah. Sorry, I know there's some weird gaps in the first chapter, I didn't read it through before I posted. I meant to add that Draco went up to the Astronomy Tower after Harry rescued him from the Room of Requirement._

I slip through the doors and out into the courtyard. Harry still has his Invisibility Cloak on but I can see rubble kicking itself aside. I keep following him and watch footprints appear in the grass on the hill. There is a loud burst of laughter from the Hall. I don't think anyone has noticed me or Harry leaving. I carefully make my way down the hill and stand just above where I think Harry is, then clear my throat.

Harry leaps to his feet and the cloak falls off his shoulders. Before I've even thought about it I'm kissing him. He pushes me away and stares at me.

"Malfoy, I-"

"Wait," I say. "Just let me talk and listen to me." I take a deep breath. "I want to thank you for everything you did for me. I wanted you to know that I love you. I know you probably hate me for everything I've done to you, and you'd be right to, but I love you."

He's still staring at me incredulously. I turn to leave. That was all I wanted to say. He obviously thinks I've gone mad. I make it halfway up the hill but then he runs after me.

"Malfoy. You really love me?"

I nod.

"I'm sorry. You confused me. I mean..." He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. It still won't stay down, no matter what he does to it.

"We've hated each other ever since we first met, and now you tell me you love me? What made that happen?"

I think about it. It's hard to know how to put it.

"When you came to Malfoy Manor. You fought me and you won. I watched Bellatrix torture Granger. It made me wonder which side I really wanted to be on. The one that tortures people for things that aren't their fault or the one that treated everyone equally. And I thought about you and what you stood for and up for and how brave you were and I decided."

I turn around and kick a rock. It dances into the Forest. "But I was scared. You've seen what he's like, what he does to people who betray him. I was so scared I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I even tried to kill you –and your friends. And even after all that, you came back for me and saved my life. I didn't deserve that. You should have let me die."

I turn around and face him again, but can't bring myself to meet his gaze. "You came back. Someone who would do something like that for someone like me... anyone who did that would be the most selfless person on the face of the planet." I steel myself and look into his eyes. They shock me. I've never noticed how bright they are before. He regards me with his emerald eyes. I can almost feel him looking right into my soul. Neither of us moves for what seems like hours. Finally I can't stand it any more and look down at my feet. Then he starts to laugh. I glance up at him.

"What?" I ask.

"Well, I suppose it's just lucky that I love you too."

I take a step back. I wasn't prepared for that. I look carefully at his face. While he's laughing, it looks like he's telling the truth.

"Really?" I have to be sure

"Mm-hmm." He nods.

A grin spreads across my face.

"What made that happen?"

He laughs again. "That was a beautiful speech. I guess it's been growing on me. I... yeah."

He suddenly becomes serious. His smile disappears and I swear it gets colder.

"But don't ever say that again. Don't say you deserved to die, because no one, least of all you, deserves that. Okay?"  
I nod silently.

"Good." He sighs again. "I'm gonna go find Ron and Hermione. There's some stuff I need to sort out with them. I'll see you in a bit, all right?"  
"Yeah," I say quietly. He starts to head up the hill again, but stops, turns around and smiles at me. Then he runs back down the hill and quickly kisses me. He smiles, blushing, then runs back up the grassy slope. I turn around and walk slowly down the hill, finding a sunny spot to sit down in. I sit on the warm grass and hug my knees to my chest. I smile to myself as I think about what just happened.

It certainly didn't go how I expected it to. I almost expected him to turn around and say yes, I should have died. I was a coward and he shouldn't have saved me. But he didn't. Instead he had told me he loved me back. I lie down and stare into the sky. Despite the fact that there has just been a war, that people I knew and cared about are dead, I have never felt as happy as I do now.

_Please review, constructive criticism is always appreciated. Tell me if you liked it or not and why so I can improve it in the next chapter._


	3. Chapter 3

**This one took me a really long time to write, because I just found it so hard. I'm not so good at this kind of writing. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! **

**7outof200**

I'm starting to get worried and even scared. Today is the day when all the students who missed a year because of the war go back to complete it. I was up long before dawn, packing and preparing. It's going to be a long day. Everyone was affected by the war and I was on the side that did that, that tore families apart, shattered lives, destroyed the world. I was a Death Eater. I don't know anyone in the wizarding world who didn't lose someone close. I close my eyes as I think back to those times. I was never more miserable than I was then. I'm so glad it's all over, but I'm still scared about how people are going to treat me. It's pretty well known that I was on You-Know-Who's side, and after everything that happened, I don't think anyone's going to be particularly forgiving.

But on top of all that, I'm worried about what's happening between me and Harry. We haven't talked since just after the battle and I don't know if he still feels like he did then. I know I do. I haven't told anyone about it. Since the war my mother has been very understanding and wants to talk, but this is too big and I'm not even sure what to think myself. There is no way I'd ever go to my father with something like this. He really did support You-Know-Who, unlike my mother and I who just followed him. I can't trust him. He destroyed our family.

Even if I trusted him, I wouldn't be able to tell him. He's barely spoken to anyone since the battle; he just stays in his office all day. I never see him. He's withdrawn into himself. I've decided I don't really mind. After what he did, I don't consider him my father anymore. It's not like we were ever close.

I gather the last few things I need and with a flick of my wand send them speeding across my room. Another flick and they settle neatly into my trunk, which then closes and locks itself. I sit on my bed and sigh. I'm not ready for this yet. I lie back and stare at the ceiling. There are still three hours before I even have to leave. I allow my mind to wander until it returns to the thought of Harry.

He is the most complicated and confusing thing that ever happened to me. All my life I've been brought up to believe that anyone who is not pure blood is worse than the mud on my shoes, and Harry has- had- a Muggle born mother. He also defeated You-Know-Who who my family supported. My family are definitely not okay with homosexuality. He's a Gryffindor. I hated him for years and he hated me. Now suddenly we love each other.

I wonder how long he's known he's gay for. I've known since I was 15. I guess I'll have to tell my parents at some point, though I'm not looking forward to that. My loving him goes against every Malfoy belief. My mother would probably sort of understand, but Malfoys don't traditionally marry for love. She and my father were matched by their parents and I know she's been thinking about who to match me with for years. She won't be too happy, but I expect she'll try to support me. I know my father will be furious. He'll probably disown me, not that I care. I don't want to be a Malfoy anymore. My opinions on everything have changed since the war and they no longer fit in with the views of my family. I just want to be happy in this new world.

I glance at the clock and realise that it's only an hour to go until I have to leave. Why does time pass so quickly when you're dreading something, but drag on when you're really looking forward to something?

I stand up and slowly make my way downstairs. My mother is in the kitchen making breakfast. In a normal situation, a Malfoy would never do housework, but since our house elf was freed, Mother has started to do some and has decided she enjoys it. I suppose it beats sitting around all day. I sit down at the massive wooden table at the end of the kitchen. Mother hears my chair grate against the cold flagstone floor and turns around, smiling.

"Morning," she says brightly.

I smile back but as soon as she turns away to the stove my expression darkens. I won't have to wait long to find out what people think of me. I jump as a plate flies across the room and lands in front of me. Mother takes a seat opposite me, with her own plate.

"So. Back to Hogwarts today."

I nod.

"Looking forward to it?"

I hesitate, then nod again. No point in worrying her.

"Good," she says and a smile spreads across her face. "Eat. You need energy for today."

I smile back at her and turn to my plate. Smoked salmon on potato pancakes, with the usual chilled pumpkin juice. It's always been one if my favourite comfort foods, and I'm glad Mother made it today. It's just what I need right now. I eat slowly, then stand and return to my room. I cast a hover charm on the massive trunk and it floats in front of me as I walk to the sinister oak front doors. I set it down gently on the slightly dusty floor and head into the main sitting room, where I settle down in one of the armchairs, which has been in the family for generations, of course. I sit quietly and watch the hands of the clock tick around towards 11:00. I want them to hurry up, so I can get this over and done with, but at the same time I'm wishing they would stop. At quarter to I get up and go to find Mother. She's still in the kitchen, making something for my father. She looks around when she hears me.

"You ready to go?"

"Yeah," I say. My voice is hoarse. I realise it's been ages since I last spoke.

"Okay," she says, and she follows me out into the hall where I grab the handle of my trunk with one hand and take Mother's hand with the other. We spin on the spot and suddenly I feel like I'm being squeezed through a tube. I can't breathe- but I've been Apparating for my whole life, and I'm as used to it as you can get.

Kings Cross materialises around us. Crowds of Muggles going about their everyday business push past us. Personally, I'm not really surprised wizards have never been discovered. Muggles can't see what is happening right before their eyes. Two people just appeared out of nowhere, and they don't even blink.

I glance around for the familiar sign to platform 10, and we make our way towards the barrier. I push the trolley with my trunk on through first, then check for any watching Muggles before slipping through onto the platform myself. Through clouds of smoke I can make out people, families, friends standing together. My eyes land on a particular figure: it's Harry. He's standing with his friends, the Mudblood and the Weasel. I hate them, simply for the reason that Harry likes them. I don't know if he actually likes me, although he did say he loved me. That was a while ago and he's had time to think about it.

I cast the hover charm on my trunk again and step onto the train with it floating in front of me. I walk up the corridor, searching for an empty compartment, when I hear someone call my name. I turn and see Blaise, jogging towards me with a grin on his face.

"Long time, no see, Draco."

I smile back at him; it's good to know someone was looking forward to seeing me again.

"Yeah. It's good to be going back. It feels... Normal. After all that. You know."

He nods in agreement. His father was a Death Eater too, he was roped into everything just like me.

"So anyway, Pansy and Goyle and everyone's up there." He points over his shoulder to a carriage. "Want to come and join us?"

"Sure," I say, and I follow him back along the narrow corridor and through the glass door into a compartment. As I take a seat I look around. Sure enough, Pansy is here, as is Goyle and one other Slytherin who I'm struggling to put a name to.

"Hey, Draco," says Pansy, who is sitting opposite me.

"Hi, Pansy. How are you?" I ask, as I send my trunk to sit on the rack above my head. We went out for a while, but it didn't end well and after that Pansy always seemed kind of distant. That seems to be over now, as she's chatting away sixteen to the dozen or whatever that stupid Muggle phrase is. The others gossip and laugh just like we did before. I sit and stare at my reflection in the window, occasionally picking up little bits of conversation and laughing, accepting food when it's offered, but not really paying attention to anything until I hear my name. I blink and turn around to see everyone staring at me. Startled, I pull myself into a more upright position.

"What?" I ask.

Pansy starts to laugh.

"We'll, you've barely said a word since we got on the train. What's up?" she replies.

I can't tell them the truth. I rack my brains for a speedy excuse. Quick thinking is one of the qualities that placed me in Slytherin and I'm glad of it now, though the house itself has come to represent everything I hate.

"Oh, I'm not feeling that great. You know, travel sickness or something. I'm gonna...go to the toilet. I'll probably feel better. Back soon..."

My voice trails off as I slide the glass door to the compartment shut. I stand there with my back against the wall for a moment, then I do what I've been working up the courage to do for the whole train journey. I walk down the long, narrow corridor, occasionally banging into the walls as the train turns corners. As I pass each compartment I can feel eyes on me. Of course, everyone knows who I am. I ignore it. I stand up straighter, hold my head higher and walk a little bit faster. I check every compartment for Harry.

Finally, I spot a flash of green and messy black hair, when I'm about halfway along the train. Harry's sitting with a bunch of his friends, but they aren't talking. Two of the Weasleys, Granger, Lovegood and Longbottom. I steel myself and knock softly on the door. Granger looks up and as she recognises me her face transforms. She wasn't smiling before, but now she looks angry, furious, and even... Afraid? Is this really how people see me now? She stands up and opens the door, regarding me with utter contempt.

"What do you want, Malfoy?"

At the sound of my name, Harry's head jerks up. He looks at me and grey eyes meet green.

"I... I... I wanted to talk to Potter."

Still glaring, Granger says "Go on then! He's right there."

"Alone, preferably."

Granger opens her mouth again, but Harry cuts her off.

"It's okay, Hermione. I'll go."

She whirls around to face him again, bushy hair flying.

"No, it's okay," says Harry quietly, almost whispering. He stands up and brushes past her, out into the corridor, sliding the glass door shut behind him.

I turn and walk back down the long corridor, and I hear him following me. I lead us to the empty compartment I noticed on the way. We both enter and sit down. I cast Muffliato on the door. I don't want anyone listening in.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, both looking at everything but each other. I desperately want him to speak first, but after a while I can't stand the silence and I go first.

"So... I'm guessing by your friends' reactions that you didn't tell them."

He shakes his head, messing up that jet black hair even more.

"Yeah... I didn't tell anyone either."

He glances up at me, and again I'm shocked by his eyes. They are so bright, like emeralds.

I start to talk but he beats me to it, and what he says chills me to the bone.

"Look, Malfoy, we can't... I don't... I don't like you."

I stare right into his eyes, hoping to see a glimmer of laughter, to know that this is a joke, because surely this can't be real? But all I see is pure anger and loathing. He's glaring at me now. I'm totally speechless, I feel genuinely sick.

"But... I... What? I-"

But he cuts me off before I can talk properly.

"I've always _hated_ you. Even when we first met in Madam Malkins I knew we'd never get along. I knew you'd be evil, but you went beyond anything I ever imagined. You're a Death Eater! You tried to kill Dumbledore, my friends and me. How could I even like a person who'd done things like that? Let alone... _love_."

He spits out the word and I know everything he said is true. I can almost feel the cold fury emanating from him. He despises me.

"But... After the battle..."

He snorts with derisive laughter.

"That? You honestly thought that I'd be thinking straight after the battle? You seriously believed that I would ever love you after everything you did? I should have let you _die._"

His words are like poison, creeping through me, causing irreparable damage, slowly killing me.

"I was out of my mind," he continues, in the same cold, quiet voice. "I don't even remember most of what happened there." His eyes narrow and he leans forward to whisper right into my ear.

"You are everything I _hate_."

"No, please... Harry!" I hear the desperation in my own voice as it catches.

"Don't talk to me!"

He gets to his feet.

"I never want to see you again," he hisses in a menacing whisper. "You'd better keep out of my way, because if you ever try to talk to me again, I will..."

I talk before he can complete this threat. "I don't understand!"

He gives me one last glare of utter contempt and sweeps out of the compartment, slamming the glass door so hard it shatters. I stare silently after him, tears now pouring down my face.

I can't believe this has happened. How can I have fallen so far in so little time? It's been barely ten minutes since I left my friends and now I have nothing left, no hope, no happiness. If Dementors came now there would be nothing for them in me. They would pass straight by, but I'd rather they'd take my soul. I feel like there is no reason to go on living now. I could have coped if he'd said we couldn't be together but could be friends. I could have coped if he'd told me he hated me when we met just after the battle. But I can't take this. I rose so high only to fall further than ever.

I stand, still shaking with sobs, repair the door and draw the blinds on both the door and the window. Then I curl up into a ball on the floor and lie there, still crying my eyes out.

Eventually, my tears subside, but I stay on the floor until the lamp flickers into life above me. I stand shakily, push back the blinds on the window and peer out. Far in the distance, the silhouette of a massive castle stands out against a vivid red sunset. I realise I have to put on my school robes, as I'm still wearing Muggle clothes. I look at my dim reflection in the window, and I'm relieved to see I don't still look like I've been crying. I turn and walk through the newly repaired door and make my way back to my friends' compartment.

As I walk in, Pansy sighs.

"There you are! Well, your version of soon seems to be different to the rest of the world. You've been gone for an hour and a half."

This last statement is accompanied by a raised eyebrow and I know it's a question.

"Yeah, well..."

I search my mind again for a plausible excuse.

"Spotted some other friends, they wouldn't let me go."

The eyebrow rises even higher, and I can tell she doesn't believe me, but she seems to accept that it's all she's going to get out of me and sits down, letting me into the carriage. I quickly retrieve my robes from my trunk and put them on over my jeans and t-shirt. I can't be bothered to change fully. I sit down again but there's no point. As soon as my bum touches the seat I hear the voice announcing we have arrived. I hadn't noticed the train stop. We stand up and leave the train, staring up at the skyline. It's barely recognisable as Hogwarts. The battle that destroyed so many lives destroyed most of the school too, and it doesn't look like anyone's been able to do much about it.

As we approach the horseless carriages, I start, and hear gasps and even screams from people around me. They are no longer horseless. Black, bat like creatures stand in front of each carriage. Some people are still looking around in bewilderment, searching for the source of the confusion, but most people seem to be able to see what's going on. I suddenly remember a Care of Magical Creatures lesson three years ago. Of course. Thestrals. Most of the kids at school saw someone die last year, that's what has to happen before you can see Thestrals. Now those who can't see them are in the minority.

I shiver and move on. I want to get into the castle and put an end to this day. Pansy, Blaise, Goyle and I get into one carriage but we say nothing as it makes its way, swaying, up to the castle. I stare out of the window, watching the winding path as the wheels eat it up. Slowly, the castle gets closer, and I find we are right outside the Entrance Hall. The carriage stops abruptly. We get out and head into the Hall.

It's the usual Feast and the Sorting. Normally I'd enjoy this, the food is always great and it's interesting to watch the frightened kids getting sorted, but tonight I feel nothing. I am numb. I watch in silence as the eleven-year-olds make their way to their tables, clap when one joins ours, but I can't register anything that's happening. When the food appears, I take what is in front of me, without even looking at what it is or caring whether it's something I like. I hear the speech after the feast but I don't listen to it. I join the rest of the school making their way to their dormitories, yet I feel so distant I might as well be all alone in the school.

My dormitory is different, of course. This year, there is a whole extra year in the school, so new dorms were needed, and it looks like it's going to be us seventh-years who have to put up with it. Not that I care. I simply fall into the bed that has my possessions next to it, fully clothed, draw the curtains around it closed and pull the thick warm duvet over my head.

I'm expecting to lie awake for hours, but as I wake up in the morning I realise I must have fallen asleep almost instantly last night. I don't want to get up. I want to stay here forever. But I know I have to, so I roll out of bed and start to get dressed. I have no idea how I'm going to get through this year.

**Okay... That didn't go as planned. I guess this makes the story more complicated...**


	4. Chapter 4

**Updates will be irregular, I'm just posting whenever I complete a chapter. Each one shouldn't take long, no more than a few days.**

**So what are you thinking? Please review, constructive criticism is always welcome. Thanks for favouriting and following, it means a lot to a new author! This is actually my first fanfic.**

So I've been back at school for a month and it's been the lowest point of my entire life. It's been worse than when I was really sick as a child, worse than when one of my best friends died, worse even than when I was a Death Eater. I've had to skulk around school. Whenever I see black hair I duck out of sight just in case it's him. Of course, I can't avoid him completely since we share some classes. When I was choosing what to do in my fifth year, I wasn't really thinking about what I wanted to be after I left school. I figured there'd be no point in worrying about exam results when the Dark Lord had taken over, so I didn't bother to think about it seriously. But since the battle, I've been thinking about what I really want to do, what I want to be known for, and I've decided to become a Healer. I want to help people, because I spent so long hurting them. And while I know it's going to be hard work, being a Healer is the best way to do that. It will help to make up for everything bad I ever did.

But to be a Healer, I need to take Potions, Transfiguration, Herbologym Charms and Defence against the Dark Arts. Harry wants to be an Auror, and for that he's decided to take exactly the same as me, with the exception of Herbology. I see him several times every day. Every time I am forced to stay in the same room as him, I shrink as far away from him as possible and try to become invisible, but he still shoots me looks of pure hatred. I've become so quiet and scared that my friends have noticed. They kept pestering me to tell them what was wrong so I ended up creating a rare, unknown disease for myself to get them off my back. They now think I'm receiving treatment for Mammutidae. I don't like lying, but I've been forced too. At least they're staying off my back.

I get up to get ready for yet another endless Monday. After getting dressed, I meet Blaise, who is already in the common room, working on an essay. We head down to breakfast together. I walk and sit down quickly at the Slytherin table before he can notice me, but of course he does. I try to focus on the bowl of fruit in front of me, but I can't ignore the loathing on his face. I immerse myself in conversation to try and take him off my mind. Apparently, the Hufflepuff Seeker fell down all seven flights of stairs yesterday, and no-one's seen her since. Everybody is wondering if it was sabotage. I have to prevent myself from screaming. Of course it was! You can't turn a corner to fall down another flight of stairs after landing flat on your face. But it seems irrelevant. It amazes me how we can be so interested in the most mundane things.

I eat my breakfast hastily, then run back down to my dormitory to get my books for the day. I check my timetable, though I've pretty much got it memorised now, and groan inwardly. Monday. Apart from one free period after lunch, I share every lesson with Harry. I throw the books I'll need into my bag and sink onto my bed. I have to find a way out of this half-life I'm living. Maybe if he stopped treating me like scum I'd be able to crawl out of this hole I'm living in. I could get over it if he didn't remind me every single day how much he hates me.

I suddenly realise the answer's right in front of me. I should tell someone! Now I'm away from that stuffy old house and with my friends there are people I can tell- and I know it'll feel so much better once at least one other person knows what I'm going through. I resolve to tell Pansy, because she knows about relationships, and Blaise, because he'll understand why Harry hates me. I wonder briefly if I should tell them everything, but I decide to almost immediately. I haven't been honest, but they've helped me a lot and they deserve to know everything. I'd never have managed to keep up with all my coursework without them.

So somehow I make it through the day, trying to ignore the icy glares I get, the whispers in the corridor that stop when I get near, and focus on my work instead. Slowly the clocks move on until it's the end of lessons and everyone goes down to supper. I spot Pansy and Blaise and sit down with them.

"Eat quickly, I have to tell you something."

They both give me curious looks, but I ignore them and concentrate on my steak. Sighing, they do the same, and we're all finished within five minutes. I stand and motion for them to do the same. They follow me out of the Great Hall and I lead them back to our common room. There are still a few people hanging around there, so we head up to mine and Blaise's dormitory. I sit on my bed, Blaise on his. Pansy looks around, sighs, then reluctantly settles down on the floor.

"Go on then," she says. "What's so important you couldn't just tell us at dinner?"

"Okay," I say, preparing myself. "Okay... I don't really know how to say this-"

"Oh, just spit it out already!" cries Pansy, and Blaise nods.

"Okay then. Fine. I- I'm gay," I mutter.

Silence. I look up to see my friends' reactions. They're both staring at me incredulously.

"What?" I ask. "Why are you gaping at me like that?"

Pansy looks as though she's struggling not to laugh.

"Oh, Draco. That was your big news? It's not a big deal, you know."

"It's... not?"

"No. You can't help how you're born. It's fine. Doesn't bother me, anyway. Blaise?"

"Nah, gay's fine."

"So," Pansy continues, "is that it? 'Cause I've got about four essays due tomorrow and I should probably get started on at least one of them."

"Well... No. There's more." I take a deep breath. "I... I like Harry."

Pansy raises her eyebrow so much it almost disappears into her hair. "Harry as in Harry Potter? As in, the kid you _hate_?"

I nod silently.

Blaise bursts out laughing.

"What?" I snap. "What exactly is so funny?"

Gasping for breath, he manages to get out "You... Potter... You?"

"He's got a point, you know. You've _always_ hated Potter. And now...?" Pansy's voice trails off.

"I know. Of all the people I could have fallen in love with, it _had _to be him. It doesn't make sense, but there you go."

"No, it makes _no _sense. He nearly killed you and you nearly killed him."

"Don't remind me," I beg.

She studies my face intently.

"Have you told him?" she asks.

"Yeah."

"And?" she says questioningly. "What happened?"

"It didn't go so well," I say after a slight hesitation. "I mean, when I first told him- that was just after the battle- he said he loved me back."

"Doesn't sound so bad to me."

"Ah, but considering when we met on the Hogwarts Express he told me he'd never hated anyone more, it might seem a little bit worse."

I'm surprised at how calm and steady my voice is, then realise that a tear has rolled down my face.

"Oh," says Pansy softly.

"Yeah," I murmur.

"So, that's where you were on the train."

I nod.

"And it explains why you've been acting so weirdly for the last few weeks," she adds.

"That too," I say, but my voice is no more than a whisper and it cracks.

"And," she concludes, "why Potter's been acting so strangely too."

I can't speak. I just nod slowly while tears cascade down my face.

"I'll sort him out," says Blaise, getting to his feet. "Nobody should do that to anyone, let alone Harry Potter to you."

"No, Blaise," goes Pansy. "You intimidate him, you only make the situation worse." Her voice suddenly takes on a more authoritarian tone.

"Should we try to talk to him? Would that work?" she asks me.

I sniff, wipe my eyes, sit up and shake my head. "No. He'd never listen to any friends of mine. No offence."

"None taken. Well then... What about his friends? Would they listen to us?"

I think about it. They probably would be more understanding. I know they don't like me, but they've probably noticed something weird about their friend and they wouldn't want anyone to be treated like this, even me... I hope.

"Yeah," I say slowly. "That would probably work..."

"Okay. We'll do that then. Blaise?"

"Mm?"

"Can you do it tomorrow?" asks Pansy.

"What? Oh yeah, sure. When tomorrow?"

"I dunno... Fourth?"

"Great. It's a plan." He glances at me. "Do you wanna be there?"

"Not really," I reply

"'Kay. I'll ambush Granger, you take Weasley. We take them to classroom 11, tell them everything, and see what happens." I can tell Pansy is enjoying bossing us about.

"Sounds good," I say.

"Right. Is that it?" asks Pansy cautiously.

"Yeah, that's everything." I look at my friends. This turned out better than I expected. I just wanted to tell them so someone else knew, but they're actually doing something about it. "Thank you. I really appreciate this, you know."

"Yeah, whatever," goes Blaise. "Happy to be of service. Now, I really need to practice this charm. See ya later!" And he leaves.

"I should probably get started on those stupid essays. I've no idea how long they'll take." She walks out of the door, then pokes her head back around it. "Uh, we'd better meet up in fifth to talk about what they said. Okay?"

I nod and smile at her.

"Great. See you!"

She leaves.

I lie back on my bed and think. Suddenly I can't wait for tomorrow. I desperately want to know if Harry can be convinced to at least tolerate me. Then I remember about the massive pile of homework waiting for me downstairs. I sigh and get up. I should make a start so I'm asleep before midnight. I want it to be tomorrow as soon as possible. I leave the dormitory and walk down the cold stone staircase, smiling to myself.


	5. Chapter 5

**This one took longer than I was expecting it too, but here it is! Hope you like it. Constructive criticism would be hugely appreciated. Enjoy!**

Somehow I make it through two hours of Charms and Transfiguration coursework. The clock ticks on through lunch and I find myself pacing in my dormitory a few minutes before fourth. I'll never get through another hour without exploding in anticipation. I decide to go down and meet Pansy and Blaise in Room 11.

I'm sitting on a desk, swinging my legs when Pansy walks in with Granger. She looks surprised to see me but says nothing. Granger sits down, looking huffy. She's probably wishing she was using this time to study. I don't blame her. We're under a lot of pressure to do well in our NEWTs, there's been at least three hours with of homework set every day. We all sit in silence for a few minutes, waiting for Blaise. He finally arrives with Weasley. Blaise looks shocked when he spots me.

"I thought-"

"Changed my mind," I say before he can give anything away. "Anyway, can we get on with this, now that we're all finally here?"

Blaise gives me a withering look, but I just smile serenely at him.

"Right," says Pansy, taking control as always. "Do you want to do the talking, Draco?"

"Nah, 'm alright. Go ahead." I reply. She'll do a better job than I will.

"Fine," she says, and she proceeds to fill Granger and Weasley in on everything. They don't say anything, but occasionally glance at each other or at me, looking increasingly worried.

"So, I'm guessing that's why Harry's been acting so weirdly recently?" muses Granger.

"Yep," says Blaise.

Weasley looks shocked. "I wouldn't have thought Harry would say something like that to anyone. I mean... It's just not like him."

"Can you help?" I ask. "Could you try and talk to him?"

"We can try," says Granger. "I don't know how effective it will be, but we will give it a go. No one should be told that." With this last statement, she looks at me pityingly.

"Thanks."

"Hey, Malfoy. My brother Charlie is gay. I mean, if you're... Like, struggling or anything, you could always owl him. I'm sure he'd like to help." says Ron.

"Okay, I'll think about that. Thanks, Weasley," I say, and I smile at him.

"So we'll try to talk to him tonight, right Ron?" says Granger.

"Right," he agrees.

She looks back up at Pansy.

"And then we'll meet you tomorrow, same time, same place?"

"Doesn't work for us, sorry." I say. I've got Herbology with Blaise and Pansy's got Muggle Studies. "What about by that oak tree next to the lake, second half of lunch?"

"Sounds good to me. Ron?"

"Yeah, I can do that."

Okay," says Pansy. "We'll see you then."

After grabbing a quick lunch I head to the oak tree with Blaise. I've been sort of looking forward to this all day, because I just have to know what Harry thinks, but now I'm not so sure. What if he disagrees with his friends and keeps treating me like this? I don't think I'd be able to live.

Pansy joins us. It's warm and sunny, despite the fact that winter's coming, so there are lots of people outside. Pansy's brought some coursework and mouths the words she's writing silently.

It's suddenly colder- we've been cast into shadow. I look up to see who it is, hoping it's Weasley and Granger. And it is.

But Harry's with them too.

I shy away as he throws himself to the ground, a smouldering expression on his face. Pansy looks at him uncertainly, then addresses Granger.

"So-"

"So they talked to me last night and I decided to come and talk to you," mutters Harry angrily before Pansy can continue. As he says this I study his face carefully. He's glowering, but for once it isn't directed at me. Of course, he's not actually looking at me, but I'm still going to consider this an improvement.

"And was there anything in particular you wanted to say?" asks Pansy...

"Yeah," replies Harry, and finally his beautiful emerald eyes meet mine. I stare into them and for a second I feel like I can almost see into his soul. As though aware of this, he looks away, up at the sky, where a pair of birds circle around each other, beautiful against the azure sky.

"Well," Harry continues, "I want to apologise for how I've been treating you. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair and I know it made you miserable. I'm sorry."

His words have a wooden, learned by heart quality to them, which makes me pretty sure they aren't his. I look at Granger who tries to hold my gaze, but looks away guiltily after a few seconds. I turn back to Harry.

"I'm not going to accept your apology until it comes from you, Harry," I say, and I think it's the use of his first name that really shocks him.

"Not- What are you talking about?" he says, but I just look at him. A few seconds pass.

"Fine!" he yells suddenly, leaping to his feet. "I never wanted to apologise to you! I meant what I said, you deserved it! I've always hated you!"

I don't really know how to react, but I realise his words aren't hurting me.

"You know that isn't true." I say. "Yeah, we always hated each other, but I'm different now. So tell me why you hate me."

He's gone back to glaring down at me. He sits, but continues to glare.

"Hmm, let's think. Why do I, Harry Potter, hate you, Draco Malfoy? Well, for a start, you were a Death Eater."  
"You think that was my choice? That was because of my father. I was a Death Eater because my father was a coward who believed anything he was told. In the last war, the Dark Lord came to Malfoy Manor, and my father joined him, because he was a coward, frightened. He'd been fed lies for his whole life, that pure-bloods were so much better than muggle-borns, that the name Malfoy made him practically royal. And I was told those lies, for my whole childhood, so I believed them, and I believed my father, and my mother and I followed him blindly.

"But not any more. I know that everything I was told was a lie. And I've changed now."

"You tried to kill Dumbledore!" he shouts.

"You were there! I know you were there!" I shriek back. "You saw that I didn't want to do it. He would have killed me, Harry, and then Dumbledore. It would have made no difference."  
"He's right, Harry," says a small voice. I glance at Granger.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Don't, Hermione," warns Harry.

"He deserves to know," she says. "He needs to know."  
"Needs to know what?" I ask.

Granger looks at me. "Dumbledore was dying anyway."

"_What_?"

After glancing at Harry, who's obviously furious with her, she continues, in the same small, quiet voice.

"Remember how his hand was all black? That was because he'd been cursed. Snape trapped the curse in that hand, but it was still going to kill Dumbledore eventually. So he asked Snape to kill him, to stop it from being painful and to stop you having to..." Her voice trails off.

"Having to kill him," I complete.

I look at Harry, who's still refusing to look at me.

"You know, the Dark Lord only made me try to do it to get back at my father. I would never kill someone. I told you before, I was scared. He would have killed me and my entire family if I'd failed."  
"I thought it was your father who was the coward," says Harry venomously.

"He was, but I was too. I was scared to stand up for anything I believed in, but that's different now."  
He snorts, and suddenly fury rushes through me, red-hot.

"You don't understand!" I shout, leaping to my feet, and finally he looks at me. "You have no idea what it's like, when you know that the only thing keeping you alive is your name! When you have no idea what lengths you'll have to go to so you don't get killed! You can't see what is right under your nose! I was scared! We all were! But now I've changed! You don't think I regret anything? I wish it had never happened! I've spent the last month wishing I was never born, because _you_ can't understand that _anyone_ can change!"

He looks so shocked at my outburst it's almost comical, but no-one laughs.

Harry swears under his breath.

"Malfoy I... I had no idea. I'm sorry."

No-one talks for a while.

"Well," I say, "that's what I was looking for."

He sighs, running a hand through his jet-black hair, messing it up even more, but I can see a smile spreading slowly across his face as he gets to his feet.

"Friends?" he asks.

"Only?" I reply.

He laughs, and the sound makes my heart flutter.

"For now," he says.

I smile at him, then turn and head back to the castle with Blaise and Pansy.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello! Here's the next chapter. Sorry it took so long and that it's so short. I couldn't figure out where to pick up the story, but I got there in the end. The next chapter shouldn't take so long.**

**I'm facing a problem right now. I've written a very short chapter in which Draco contemplates suicide, which would appear about halfway through Ch 4. But I don't know whether to post it or not. So please could you PM me to tell me what you think? I'll send you the chapter to read if you like.**

**On to the story!**

"You know I still love you," I say.

His smiling face contorts, but before I can read his expression, Harry turns away to stare down the long corridor, which is draped in shadows. I can't remember why we're here. We just went for a walk and ended up here. Neither of us could sleep.

"And I know," I continue, "that you feel the same way about me."

He doesn't turn back, but continues to gaze into the shadows draped across the corridor.

"How do you know?" he asks, and I hear the anger in his voice. "How could you possibly know who I love?"

"I just do," I reply mysteriously.

He sighs, but I can feel the anger ebbing away from him.

"Yes. Yes, I do love you, but... I don't know... It feels weird. I don't think I'm ready for this yet." he says.

He turns around and I am shocked to see tears pouring from his emerald eyes.

"Since the war I've been kind of... numb. I can't feel anything. I don't understand anything. I can't... I can't love. Not yet."

He stands there in silence, his face glistening in the dim moonlight that floods the corridor. I stare into his eyes, and I see the same pain that plagued me until a few weeks ago.

"I understand," I say softly. "I know what you're going through. And I'm here for you. Always."

He sobs and covers his face, turning away. Suddenly I understand. I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his shaking body.

"Harry, I understand. I know what you're going through because I am too." My voice catches as I continue and a tear leaks from the corner of my eyes. "We can help each other, because we're the same. Broken."

Then we're reduced to two boys crying their eyes out in the middle of the corridor at midnight. We cry for ages, holding on to each other, but eventually we stop crying and just stand there.

I almost miss the words when they come. They are barely a whisper but I just catch them.

"I love you Draco Malfoy."

"I love you too." I say without hesitation.

Then I see a light flickering on the wall. Someone's coming, and it's most likely Filch at this time of night.

"Harry," I say urgently. "We have to move. Filch is coming."

He stands up instantly and starts to move towards his common room, but I stop him.  
"I'll talk to you tomorrow." I whisper, then push through a tapestry that I know is a shortcut to the dungeons. I hear Harry running away down the stairs to the entrance of the Gryffindor common room.


	7. Chapter 7

My hands start to shake as I read the letter in them. I'd been so scared that this would happen, and as time passed I figured it wasn't going to. But here it is, right in front of me.

I tried to forget. Forget those awful days and the fear and the pain. But now this has come and the memories have come swooping down over me, like a thick choking blanket. I can't breathe under it.

I stand up, abandoning my toast, and run out of the room. People stare as I pass them but I ignore them. I'm too scared to care. Once I'm out of the Hall, I slow to a walk, but it's still a fast one. I make my way to the nearest bathroom, and I'm so relieved to find that it is empty. I lock myself into one of the cubicles and sit down. Only then do I let myself show emotion. Because Draco Malfoy is strong. And he never cries, and he's never scared, and he never lets anyone see who he really is. And I am that person. This is me, this is who Draco Malfoy really is. This is who I am.

Suddenly I am totally overcome with terror. I stuff my sleeve into my mouth and scream into it. I can't believe this is happening to me. Not after everything that I went through. I understand now why Harry isn't keen on the Ministry. They are cold, calculating, uncaring. I stop screaming but now my face is wet. Tears pour from my eyes and drip from my nose on to the letter.

I screw it up and throw it to the floor. I am so angry, it starts to burn before I even think about it. But before it is only ashes, I hear someone knocking frantically on the door. The flames are extinguished immediately. I lean forward, unlock the door and push it open. And there is Harry.

"You followed me," I say numbly.

"Yeah," he says, and I notice that he's out of breath. "You looked worried. What's up?"

I nod to the crumpled paper on the floor. He looks at its singed edges and then picks it up, unfolds it and starts to read. I watch his face as he does. It passes through confusion, worry and settles on anger. He looks up at me.

"How could they do this?" he asks quietly, and I hear the venom in his voice.

"I was a Death Eater, Harry. I still have the Dark Mark. They have proof. I can't get out of this." I still can't feel anything.

"Yes you can. I won't let them do this. It isn't fair."

"Yes it is," I say, and I realise that I'm right. "I _was _a Death Eater. I tried to kill Dumbledore, and your friends, and you..." My voice falters. "I have to go. Other people did, who were innocent. And I'm guilty. It's not fair if I don't."

"Draco Malfoy," he says. "You will die in Azkaban. You don't deserve to go there. I won't let this happen."

"This is _my_ life, Harry. And for once you're wrong. I disagree with you. I deserve to die." I stand up and push past him, then run to the Slytherin common room and my dormitory, ignoring his shouts.

I lie on my bed and read the letter again.

_Dear Mr. Malfoy,_

_You have been accused of fighting for Lord Voldemort, being a Death Eater, and attempted murder of Albus Dumbledore, Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley. You are required to come to a hearing on the 30__th__ of March at 10:00 am. If you are not present at this time and date, you will be found guilty instantly and sentenced accordingly._

_We also inform you that Narcissa Malfoy and Lucius Malfoy have been accused of similar offences and will also be given a trial._

_The Ministry of Magic._

I have to write to Mother. Immediately. I grab my school bag and retrieve a bottle of ink, a quill and a piece of parchment. It takes me several attempts to write, but eventually I decide what I have will do. I read it over as I push my way through the common room, heading for the Owlery.

_Dear Mother,_

_I have one. _

_I'm scared. _

_It isn't fair, not really. You only followed Father, it isn't fair for you to be punished. We have to stop this from happening._

It's simple, but I can't think straight right now. I have to send this, then I have to talk to Mother properly- face to face.

I pull the door to the common room open and rush out, but I stop when I see him, leaning against the wall opposite.

"You've been... How do you know where the..." I stop trying to talk and start to run instead. My eyes fill with tears as I head to the Owlery, ignoring all the stares I get. I can hear him running after me but I don't care.  
I burst into the stone room, stopping almost immediately. I shiver. It's cold in here. I mean, it's cold most of the time, considering we're in Scotland and it's January. But the Owlery has no windows so there's nothing between me and the icy winter winds. I'm too distracted to use my own owl and I'm halfway through attaching the letter to one of the school barn owl's leg when Harry bursts in.

"Draco Malfoy, are you going to listen to me?" he says.

I finish attaching the letter and slide to the floor, while the owl soars over my head and out of a window. Harry sighs, just standing there. Then he walks over and sits down next to me.

"I can stop this, you know. They will listen to me."

"Yeah, but you aren't listening to me," I say, and I'm surprised to find my voice strong. "I don't want or deserve your help. I did those things. I have to face that."

"No, it's not fair. I won't-"

"Will you listen to me!" I yell, jumping to my feet. I stare down at him. "I know you want to help, but I don't want it. I did bad things. I do deserve to go to Azkaban and if I happen to die, then fine. Because what's left for me? My father is gone. My name is as good as mud. My friends don't know who I really am, and if they did they would never talk to me. I have nothing! Why should I stay in this life?"

"You don't have nothing," he says softly. "You have me."

I look down at him, staring into his brilliant eyes. Then I look away again, sighing.

"I'm sorry, Harry. I know you want to help me, but this is my fight. I have to do this."

He starts to protest again, but I silence him with a look.

"It's like," I say, trying to sum up how I feel and put it into words. "It's like, if I go to Azkaban, and suffer, it's like... justice. I'll have paid for what I did, at least partly. Nothing can make up for it, but maybe this will help. You don't understand. If I do this, I can try to move on with my life, because I won't feel guilty. I paid for it. So please. Let me do this. Alone."

He stares at me for a long time, then looks away, out of the windows.

"I can't, Draco. I can't let you suffer like that."

"Please try," I beg. "For me. It's what I want."

He says nothing for ages, but finally he sighs, and I know I've won.

"Okay. Okay. I think I understand now. So I'll let this happen. But if you die, or change, or... I don't know. Whatever. If you don't come out _you_, I'll kill them."

I have never heard Harry like this. His voice isn't angry. It's just filled with this cold determination.

He stands up.

"I'll be there for you. No matter what happens. No matter how long."

And then I kiss him. Because I know what he's saying is true, and I know he loves me. And I love him.

"Thank you," I say.

**Sorry, bad ending, but I'm really bad at endings. Hope you're enjoying it otherwise! Don't forget to drop a review if you did. I still need your opinions on whether to post that chapter or not.**

**This is completely unrelated, but I've written a story for a book which doesn't have a category. How do I post it?**


	8. Chapter 8

Chains slither over my wrists, locking me to the hard chair. I wasn't exactly looking forward to this earlier, but now I'm terrified. They obviously think I'm dangerous.

I look up at the stern faces of the Wizengamot. The new Minister for Magic glares down at me, his eyes cold.

"Let us begin," he says, and his voice echoes through the stone chamber. He begins the official stuff that starts off every Wizengamot trial. I don't listen. Instead I gaze into the faces of the witches and wizards surrounding me. They will decide my fate today. I wonder if any of them feel sorry for me. If they regret having to do this. Or if they are the pawns of the Ministry, not thinking, simply doing what they're told.

The Minister says my name and I concentrate on him.

"Are you Draco Malfoy of Malfoy Manor?"

I try to reply but seem to be unable to speak. I swallow nervously and whisper, "Yes."

"Did you willingly attempt to take the lives of Hermione Granger, Albus Dumbledore and Ronald Weasley?"

"Yes." I can barely hear my own voice.

"Were you willingly admitted as a Death Eater, under the command of the Dark Wizard known as Lord Voldemort, while aware that he was the cause of hundreds of murders and tortures?"

"Yes."

"Do you have the Dark Mark, the sign of Voldemort?"

I can't talk. I just nod.

"Note an affirmative gesture," says the Minister to his note-taker. Then he addresses me.

"Have you anything to say in your defence?"

I blink hard. "No."

He nods. "Then we, the court of the Wizengamot, find you, Draco Malfoy, guilty of three counts of attempted murder and assistance to a Dark wizard. Please remain seated while your sentence is decided."

Like I'm going anywhere. I sit and watch the wizards decide my future, then I can't watch anymore. I close my eyes and bend forward.

It seems to take a long time for them to reach a decision, but finally they get there.

"Draco Malfoy," says the Minister. I look up at him. "Since you were underage when two of the offences were committed, the sentence is less than it would have been. However, we have sentenced you to four years in Azkaban."

My breathing becomes shallow. Four years on that island. Few people survive that long. I know I'll never make it. I screw up my face to stop myself from crying. I remind myself that it is what I deserve, better, even. I steel myself and look up into the Minister's eyes. He stares down at me, uncaring.

"This sentence will be effective immediately." He signals to the Dementors. They start to glide towards me.

"Wait," says a commanding voice from the back of the room. I can't see who it is. I try to turn around, but the chains hold me in place. I hear the person walking forwards.

"I will not allow," they say as they walk, "a student of Hogwarts to be imprisoned while their school years are incomplete, no matter what crimes they have committed. Mister Draco Malfoy has yet to finish his seventh year."

The person moves past the chair and I see that it is Professor McGonagall. She's here to defend me?

The Minister shuffles his notes while my headteacher walks up to him.

"Our records show a full seven years of education." he says.

"The last of which, you will recall, took place during a war. Mr Malfoy never took his NEWTs, but he shows great potential and should be allowed to do this."

"You are asking us to drop the charges on Mr Malfoy? May I remind you that he has the Dark Mark, the sign of Lord Voldemort? This is clear proof and he must be punished."

"I am not asking you to drop the charges. I am simply asking that they are postponed until he has completed his NEWTs. After that, I am sure Mr Malfoy will return to face whatever punishment he deserves." At this, she turns around and gives me a stern look, but I see something else in her eyes too. Pity? Before I can identify it properly, she turns again to face the Minister.

"I am sure you are aware," she continues, "that every witch and wizard is entitled to a full seven years of education and a chance to take OWL and NEWT examinations?"

The Minister's face goes red. "I am aware of this, yes," he says through gritted teeth. He looks at me for a few seconds, then returns his gaze to McGonagall. "Very well. We will allow Mr Malfoy to return to Hogwarts School, providing that he returns here after his examinations to be taken to Azkaban.

McGonagall's face is full of loathing. She turns on her heel and walks over to me. The chains relent as she taps them sharply with her wand. I rub my wrists.

"Come along, Mr Malfoy. Your parents are waiting for you outside."

I stand up and follow her, glaring at the Minister as I leave.

I apparate home with my parents. Their trials aren't until tomorrow. As soon as we arrive, I walk silently up the stairs to my bedroom. When I get there I close the door behind me and fall on to my bed.

I'm dead. I knew the minute I walked in to that room that I wasn't going to get off. And I know that I can never survive four years. But it's justice, for the lives I destroyed and the part I played in the war. This is fair. But this reasoning doesn't stop the tears falling from my eyes. I cry myself to sleep.

I wake up when the door slams. I glance at the watch on my bedside table and realise it's almost noon. My parents must be back from their trials.

I run downstairs and see my mother first. She's standing in the hall, hanging her coat up. Tears are streaming down her face and her body is shaking with sobs.

"Mother?" I say softly. She looks up at me with a little gasp.

"Oh, Draco," she says.

"Did you-"

"Seven years." She cuts me off.

I swallow.

"And Father?" I ask.

She turns away.

"What did he get, Mother?" I say as I walk slowly down the remaining stairs. I'm terrified it will be a life sentence. Even he doesn't deserve that. I make my way over to her and put my hand on her shaking shoulder.

"Mother?"

"He got off!" she screams, whirling around to face me. I jump back. She is furious, her eyes dangerous and her face red. "He told them he was under the Imperius curse, and do you know what? They are still scared of him! They believed him!"

I take back what I thought earlier, about no-one deserving a life sentence on Azkaban. Because this man is pure evil. I hate him. The hatred burns inside me, painful as I storm up the stairs to my father's study. I burst through the door. My hand is already reaching for my wand as he leaps to his feet.

"You filthy, lying scum!" I yell, pointing my wand directly at his throat. "You deserve nothing! You-"

"Draco!" screams Mother. "Please..."

"How dare you?" he hisses. "At least I was faithful. You lied to him," he says, nodding at Mother, "and you abandoned him. You failed to do his will. I followed him always."

I scream a curse but it misses and blasts the desk to pieces instead. He pushes me out of the door. I fall and land hard on the floor, then he kicks me fiercely in the stomach. It winds me and I lie there, gasping for breath while he kicks me again and again.

"Lucius, stop!" begs Mother. He turns to her with a look of loathing then stalks into his office, slamming the door.

Mother rushes to me. I can't move. I ache all over and I still can't breathe. I feel my shirt sticking to my back and realise that he has drawn blood. Anger roars inside me but my body is too weak to respond. Mother sees that I'm not going anywhere soon and lifts me with a charm. She carries me to my room and sets me on the bed. Then she hurries out looking scared.

The bruises throb every time I move, so I lie still. Soon I am used to the pain, although it is still agony when I stretch my arm to grab my wand. I heal the injuries as well as I can, until I am able to move without too much pain. I get off the bed and walk slowly around the room, grabbing the few things I brought back from school for the holidays. I put them in a bag and I'm about to disapparate when I think of Mother. I have to leave her a note.

_Dear Mother,_

_I couldn't stay with him. I'm sorry. I hope you understand._

_I love you._

_Draco._

As soon as this is done I'm at Hogsmeade. Snow whips into my face, blinding me, but I struggle into the Three Broomsticks. I'm greeted by a slightly confused Madame Rosmerta. I ask her to call one of the teachers. She nods and bustles away while I sit at one of the tables, waiting.

After about half an hour, Slughorn appears in front of me.

"Hello, sir," I say. "I'm sorry, but I changed my mind about where to be for the holidays. Is it okay?"

He looks at me, concerned, but says it's fine. We apparate to the front gates, then walk through the blizzard up to the school. He leaves for the Hall while I head to the dungeons.

I walk numbly towards my dormitory when I hear a shout behind me. I turn and see Harry grinning at me through the crowd.

"Did they let you off?" he asks excitedly.

I shake my head and his face falls. "Four years," I whisper.

He swears. The he looks at me, confused.

"How come you're here then?"

"McGonagall turned up when they were about to cart me off to Azkaban. Demanded they let me complete my seventh year. I was as surprised as you are," I say at his expression. "But then... then..." I can't continue. Even though I know it's right and fair, I am filled with dread at the very mention of the place.

"I'm so sorry, Draco. If you'd just let me-"

"No," I interrupt. "I have to do this. But thank you." I look over my shoulder. "I'll see you around. I have to go."

I turn around and walk slowly to the dungeons, leaving Harry standing silently. I can feel him staring at me.

**Aargh! The chapters never go how I plan them. Oh well. Hope you're enjoying the story anyway. Don't forget to review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks for all the reviews! I'm glad to see you guys are agreeing with me and I'm sorry about all the plot twists. I did not plan them, the story just wouldn't let me go how I had planned!**

**But I wanted to thank tam418, Tenshi Yami and HakuOrihara for reviewing. Thanks! **** It's nice to hear your point of view and constructive criticism or suggestions for where to go next are cool too. **

**I also have to say that the next chapters will not be particularly pleasant. I mean, it's Azkaban. There are mentions of suicide and lots of death. So, I'm posting the next three chapters at once with a quick summary at the end of chapter 11, so you can skip these if you want. **

**But if not, here's the next chapter.**

Most people are looking forward to today. The last exam. All of our NEWTS will finally be over, and we can celebrate. We won't have to worry about anything until the summer, when our results come. At least, that's the significance of this day for some people.

For me, this day is the last of my life.

When my Charms theory exam finishes, I am to walk down to the gates and apparate directly to the Ministry. I have exactly five minutes to be there. If I don't arrive in that time, my sentence will be increased. Once I reach the Ministry, I will be escorted to the coast, where I have to take a boat to the island. And when I'm there... I don't even know what will happen to me. I am expecting to die. Most people do, a lot don't last even one year, let alone the four I have to serve.

There's half an hour before the exam begins. I have to find Harry. There won't be time to say goodbye afterwards. I walk across the ground, not hurrying but not dawdling either. The weather matches my mood- it's miserable. It can't even be bothered to rain properly, so it's drizzling persistently instead, and the sky is a dull grey.

He's in between the greenhouses and the forest. He looks around when he hears me approaching.

"Wanted to say bye. There won't be time... afterwards." I explain quietly. To my surprise, his expression is not sad, but angry.

"Why couldn't you just let me help you?"

"Because-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know: justice, getting on with my life, blah blah blah." His expression is halfway between pity and anger. "I could sort of understand that, you know? I knew how you felt. But Draco, very few people make it to four years. And if you die I'll never forgive you."

"You know I have no intention of doing that," I say, though it's a lie and we both know it. He sighs.

"Look," he says. "I'll- I'll try to visit you. No matter what I have to do, I will visit you. And... That will prove to you that you have to come out. Because whatever you might think, you don't deserve this, Draco. And you are needed out here."

"Thank you," I say. I'll need that to hold on to. A simple promise. I turn to leave, but Harry calls me back.

"Don't I get a kiss?"

I smile sadly at him and we kiss. It's short, but I feel reassured anyway. Then I turn and leave him.

I walk back up to the castle, alone, terrified. All too soon I am sitting at a desk, scribbling frantically while the grains of sand in the hour-glass at the front slip away. Time always seems to fly during an exam, but this time I swear it must be moving five times faster.

And then it is over. I stand up and start to walk numbly. I have never been so scared in my life. I realise that I am shaking. I keep my head down and ignore the whispers. Everybody here knows who I am, what I am, and where I am going. I get to the gates quickly and disapparate immediately, arriving in the Atrium of the Ministry.

I head for the desk at the end, my footsteps slowing as I approach. Finally I reach it. I swallow and ring the bell. A witch with short hair leans over.

"Name?"

"Draco Malfoy," I whisper.

"Ah, yes," she says, lip curling in contempt. She checks her watch. "You are early. Your escort will arrive shortly. Please wait there." She points to a small wooden bench. I make my way over and sit down with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands.

"Mr Malfoy?" asks a kind voice. I look up. A witch is smiling at me. "I'm your escort. Are you scared?"

I hesitate, then nod. Her face transforms into something ugly. "Good," she sneers. "You should be. Where's your wand?" I reach into my robes and pull it out. She snatches it. "You won't be needing this when you're in there," she says, as she places it in a cupboard full of wands. She turns around and thrusts a set of robes at me. "Go in there," she says, pointing at a door. "Change into those and leave your clothes on the table."

I do as she instructs. The robes are grey, and have obviously been worn many times before, judging by the rips in the material. There are no pockets. They are stiff and tight all over. I can barely move. Justice, Draco, I remind myself. I head back into the Atrium.

My escort looks me up and down, sniffs, and sweeps away.

"Come with me. Now!" I follow her meekly to a small alcove in the wall. "Take my hand." I do so and suddenly we are on a beach, being buffeted by a freezing wind and blinded by rain. I can barely see as the witch leads me to a small, battered rowing boat. We get in and she taps the oars with her wand. They spring into life and begin to pull us towards my death.

"Did you know," says my escort conversationally, "that one in five prisoners on this island die before they reach three years on the island? And no one has lasted longer than twenty before. Of course, anyone who does survive longer than three or four years goes completely insane. It's the despair, you know." She grins. "You can never, ever be happy in Azkaban. Not even a little bit. It's all misery and gloom. It's practically hell on earth. Torture, really. But only for those who really deserve it. Like you, I suppose. You were a Death Eater, weren't you? Got the Dark Mark and everything. Filth." She spits the last word out, then does the same into my face. It surprises me and I recoil, but I am too numb to react otherwise.

"Good," she says, grinning unpleasantly. "You're learning. The only people who go to Azkaban are evil, lying, scum who deserve to rot. And you're one of them," she whispers in a sing song voice.

It continues like this for the rest of the journey. She tells me about the horrors of Azkaban, but that I deserve everything I get. As we grow closer I start to feel sick. The island looms above us.

"Oh, and did I mention the rats? There are hundreds of them. All over the island. They come at night and gnaw away at anything they can find. Food, cloth, even people occasionally. They scamper with their little claws over the floor and nibble nibble nibble. They're awful."

We draw nearer. I'm freezing by this point and completely soaked. I shiver as the boat lurches through the water towards the island.

"The island of Azkaban is officially the place with the least sunshine in Europe. On average, there is, hmm, one day of sunshine a year. So maybe not the best place for a holiday." She giggles. Suddenly, the boat rocks wildly and I nearly fall out.

"Ah, yes," says my escort. "I forgot about that. Azkaban is dampened, which means that no one can use magic whilst on or around the island. So even if you did manage to sneak a wand on here, it would be useless. And since the boat was moving by magic, well, I guess that means it's stopped." Her face grows hard. "You'd better start rowing if you want to get there before tea!"

I move forward in the boat and pick up the oars. I've seen people do it, and soon my body falls into a rhythm and I am rowing steadily towards my fate. The boat hits something. I glance behind me. It's a wooden dock that looks like it might fall apart at any second. I climb up and gingerly put my weight on it. It creaks in protest but doesn't break.

"Well, this is me," says the witch brightly. "I'd best be heading back to the mainland." But before she does, she hisses viciously at me. "My sister was given the Kiss at the hands of Death Eaters. I hope you suffer the same way." Then she grabs the oars and is gone.

I look around, confused. Where am I supposed to go? But I see a black shape swooping towards me. The Dementor puts its scabby hand on my shoulder and pushes me up the dock, to a path cut into the rock. I climb upwards for a long time. As I grow closer to the cells, I can feel the waves of misery engulf me. I walk up the hill, and with each step, I become more and more despairing. Finally, the Dementor stops me and points a rotting finger at an open cell. It is nothing more than a cage, about a metre and a half square, made of heavy metal bars. I walk in and the door slams shut behind me. I glance up. The cage is open to the sky, with nothing but more bars between me and the elements. I suppose you could hang yourself, if there were anything to do it with.

The cell is furnished to a bare minimum. A narrow wooden bench sticks out of one wall, and a thin, holey blanket sits on top of it. And that's it. This is my home for the next four years. Probably less. I look out of the cage, down the island. All I can see is grey. Grey faced inmates wearing their grey robes in grey cells under a grey sky surrounded by grey sea and grey ground. I am at the top of the island, with almost every other inmate on the hill beneath. From here I will be able to see every death, every Kiss, every moment of suffering. I stop looking.

I grab the blanket and sit on the wooden bench, wrapping the moth-eaten material around myself. It does absolutely nothing to keep out the cold.

"Draco..."

I look up instantly.

"Mother! Mother, it's me!" A familiar face. At least I will be close to her. She's already been in here for a few months and I can see the effects already. She is thin, very thin. She is practically a skeleton. Her hair is thin and wispy and she looks ill. Really ill.

"Mother? Are you all right?"

"Draco, what are you doing here?"

"I got sentenced too, remember? Except I had to wait until I'd done my NEWTs before I came here."

"Oh..." she trails off and her eyes close. For a second my heart stops and I think that she is dead, but then I notice her chest, rising and falling slowly.

"Mother..." I whisper. She's going mad. And soon I will too.

I know I have to be strong, and hold on to the memories that make me happy. That will hold back the dementors.

And all I can think of is him.


	10. Chapter 10

**How are you liking it? Tell me in a review!**

I've settled into a sort of routine now. I sleep for as long as I can through the day and the night, so I don't have to deal with this awful reality. But sleep doesn't hold anything better. I have nightmares, every single night. I see my father's smug face as he kicks me repeatedly, Harry's face of disgust, and always, always him. Falling away, eyes unseeing. When I have that one, I wake up screaming. But everyone screams here.

My escort didn't lie about the weather. So far there have been only a couple of hours of weak sunshine, in all the time that I've been here. The rest of the time, it is cloudy and raining. It is not possible to truly dry or warm on this island. I'm actually surprised that so few inmates die of the cold. Even in the heights of summer, it is chilly. I do my best to stay warm but it's impossible. I've learned some tricks though.

I sleep on the ground under the bench. This protects me slightly from the rain, but it means lying on the ground, which is always muddy and wet. The holey blanket does nothing to keep out the wet or the cold. I only use it when I'm sleeping. So I am always shivering and always soaked to the skin. It's a relief when the clean, dry clothes come, but they are completely saturated within minutes.

When I am awake, I sit on the floor, shivering, trying not to freeze to death. I try to think of things that make me happy, but slowly, one by one, I lose faith in them and push them away. All I have left is Harry, but even the light of him dims every day. Soon it will be gone and I'll have nothing.

Every time a dementor swoops over my cage, my stomach lurches and I am filled with utter misery. All I have to do all day is watch them, so that's what I do, praying they'll stay away from me. They have a sort of mesmerising quality. But occasionally you see their true side. Sometimes, when a prisoner is very close to death, they take their chance and perform the Kiss. It's terrible to watch but I can never look away when it happens. You can see the light in the person's eyes dimming as their soul is taken. When it's over, they drop to the floor, lifeless, and that's it. The prisoners always die just a few hours or even minutes afterwards.

I am terrified that one day, the dementors will unlock my cage and swoop in and take Draco Malfoy, leaving a cold shell in his place, yet at the same time, I long for it to happen. They are the scariest things I could ever imagine. Even when I sleep I can't escape them. They penetrate my nightmares.

When they come to give me food, I shrink away until they are gone. Only then do I retrieve my meals. It is always bread, a fair amount, and a cup of water. Twice a day I get this, but it is always too much. I barely eat anything, taking only a couple of mouthfuls before flinging the bread away from my cage. I learned to do this early on. Leftover food brings the rats, and they are definitely something you don't want. On my second day here, I woke up to find a rat crawling over my face

I've grown thin. I can feel my bones when I touch my face and see my ribs clearly. But I am never hungry. My appetite has vanished, and I only eat out of habit. Not because I'm trying to survive.

The only thing that has broken the monotony of the days here is the arrival of my NEWT results. I got four Os, an E and an A, which means I could follow my chosen career as a Healer. If I wasn't here.

And I wait for this to be over. The days and weeks and months have run together but I am sure that I have been here for about half of my sentence. Even this knowledge is torture to me, because I know I have to go through this hell all over again before it will end.

And that is what really made me finally lose faith in the last thing I had left: Harry. He swore he would visit, and I know that he would be able to. They wouldn't try to stop the Saviour, would they? He can do pretty much whatever he likes, and no one will question him. If he really loved me, he would come. I bet he doesn't even care. He's probably forgotten about me by now, and is sitting at home, laughing with his friend. I'll die in here, and no one will ever remember me.

I imagine it now. Harry is sitting around a dinner table, with Ron and Hermione and others. He's snickering about someone, and I realise that it's me. He laughs about how I could ever have believed he loved me, and the others smile at the thought of Harry Potter, the Chosen One, the Saviour, with Draco Malfoy, son of a Death Eater and Slytherin pureblood.

I snap out of the vision when I catch movement out of the corner of my eye. No one moves much around here. I turn and see several dementors converging on my mother's cell.

My mother. I stare at her. She's lying on the bench as she always does, wrapped in her blanket. But her eyes are open and have an odd glazed quality to them. I can't see her chest moving. Her wispy hair floats slightly in the wind. She is completely still and very pale. I scream as hot tears spill from my eyes.

"Mother! Mother, look at me! Please, Mother, don't let... Don't let them. No!" I shriek as the Dementors unlock the cage. One drifts inside and reaches for her.

"Don't touch her! Leave her alone! No! Mother, please!" My voice trails off and I clutch at the bars, sobbing, as her limp body is lifted by one of the cloaked creatures. It carries her out of the cell and glides down the hill, oblivious to my screams. It's followed by the rest of the Dementors and I watch as the lower her into an open grave they've already dug.

"No..." I whisper as they push piles of soil into the hole, filling it up. "No!"

And just like that, my mother is gone. No goodbye, no last words. Just gone. I'll never see her again. I scream in grief until my throat is raw and sore, pulling at my hair. Then I wrap myself in the blanket and lie on the cold floor, curled in a ball, shaking with sobs. I drift in and out of sleep for hours, and the hours become days.

When I finally stop crying, I sit up slowly. I am weak and my stomach growls. Days without food have taken their toll on me, but I don't care anymore. I just sit, leaning against the bars, watching my meals being pushed into my cell and taken away when I don't touch it. I don't want to survive, to live. What's the point? I have no parents or family, no friends, nothing to live for. I'm being slowly driven mad by this place anyway. If I did make it out I'd never survive in that world.

So I sit and starve. Soon I am too weak to even stay upright, so I lie down and don't move. I just close my eyes and wait while I waste away. I can feel it coming and I'm actually looking forward to it. Anything would be better than this. I long to escape, I don't care how. As long as I get out of here, I will be happy, no matter what form my freedom takes. At least death will be peaceful, I think as I drift away, but just before everything turns black, I see a black shape enter my cell and I die terrified.

**Not the last chapter! Read on...**


	11. Chapter 11

I'm drifting. I'm not completely awake, but I'm not exactly asleep either. I'm aware of my thoughts but I can't control my body. If I still have one.

Now there's a thought. Maybe I'm dead, and this is what happens afterwards. This might be a form of afterlife. So I float in this surreal existence, just thinking.

At first there's nothing, only black. But as time passes, images form, swirling in my vision. They're blurry, and I wish for them to become clearer. But when they do, I wish they hadn't.

I watch Dumbledore falling, falling, his unseeing eyes staring. He hits the floor and it explodes into fire, the flames forming shapes, animals. They leap and roar and I scream silently as they overwhelm me. I feel the heat melting my flesh and watch the gold flames rush past me. Then they are gone and my father's smug face floats in the darkness, smirking at me. Suddenly it transforms into a mask of fury and he yells, and with every word I feel a dull pain, like I've been kicked. Soon I ache all over, but my father's hair turns blonde and he is suddenly still, silent. He floats and turns onto his back, eyes open, staring at me. But they are not his eyes. They are my mother's. Her unseeing gaze is settled on me. I cry out with the pain of seeing her again. Her body starts to tear itself to pieces. She disintegrates and turns into Harry. He laughs at me, clutching his sides, pointing at me. Tears start to stream from his eyes, he's laughing so much. He stops laughing suddenly and walks towards me.

"You are everything I hate," he hisses, but it's not his voice, its the voice of the Dark Lord, and he's gliding towards me. I scream, terrified, and suddenly everything fades and I see nothing and feel nothing and I stop thinking.

I open my eyes, gasping for breath, then blink. Bright lights blind me and all I can see is white. I close my eyes again. I'm awake. Which means I'm alive! I don't know yet whether this is a good or a bad thing. I could simply be in for another two years of hell on that island, in which case I'd rather be dead.

Cautiously, I open one eye, then the other. They adjust to the light but I still can't see properly. White shapes swim and distort and make my head hurt. I blink rapidly and my vision clears.

I'm in a plain room, with little furniture. There's a chair sitting next to me and a small table on the other side. I'm lying in a bed with white sheets. It's comfortable. It feels weird after two years of that place.

A door opens and I look up. A Healer walks in. She smiles at me.

"Hello, Draco," she says. "You're awake, then." She sits down next to me. "How are you feeling?"

"Where am I?" I ask. My voice cracks.

"You're at St Mungo's. Your sentence ended and you came here straight away." Her face grows concerned. "You almost died of starvation. We are still treating you for that."

"What? No. I mean... how can my sentence have ended? I was only there two years, and it was meant to be four." I'm so confused.

"No, Draco," she says, looking worried. "You definitely spent four years in Azkaban." I flinch at the name but she doesn't notice. "It's a good thing you got out when you did. Another day, a few hours even, and you'd have been gone."

I absorb this information quietly. Am I happy that I survived? Or would I rather have died? Or even had the Kiss? I'm not sure. The Healer starts talking again and I tune in to what she's saying.

"... a visitor for you, if you want to see him."

My heart leaps. A visitor! It must be Harry. He didn't abandon me after all. The Healer smiles and walks to the door, talks to someone outside. I sit up straighter, smiling as my visitor enters the room. Then my expression drops.

It's my father. He walks slowly to the chair.

"You," I hiss, and I glare at him as he sits. "You."

He smiles at me sadly and I snap.

"Get out!" I scream. "You bastard! Get out! I don't want to see you! Mother is dead because of you! I hate you! Get out!" I sit up and try to get out of the bed but the Healer rushes back in and holds me down.

"You mustn't get up, Draco. Stay still." She turns and addresses my father. "I think you'd better leave. The sedatives sometimes cause this kind of behaviour. You can maybe come back later." He nods curtly and leaves.

"Calm down, Draco," says the Healer.

"How am I supposed to come down? He killed my mother and he killed me!" She doesn't understand. She hurries to the door and calls out.

"Martha! Bring some sedatives. He's delusional."

"No I'm not, I know what I'm saying! I'm Draco Malfoy and I'm..." I pause briefly to do the maths in my head. "I'm 21 years old! I live in Malfoy Manor and I went to Hogwarts. Please listen to me, I am not delusional!" But they ignore me and suddenly I feel something cold in my wrist. I look down at it and realise there's a tube going into it. I can feel whatever they put in me spreading through my body. It makes me feel numb and I can't control myself. I fall back onto the pillow.

"No," I mumble. "Don't make me sleep. Please..." But the room fades and swirls and my eyes close and I'm gone once more.

When I awake again the room is blurry, but I can make out a figure sitting next to me on the chair. A person with short black hair. I blink repeatedly until they come into focus and look eagerly at the figure, but my heart sinks when I see that it is not Harry. Pansy hears my sigh and lifts her head, smiling gratefully.

"Draco, you're awake!" She leans over and hugs me. "Wow, it's so good to see you. I thought you were dead when you didn't come back after the end of your sentence, but then they told me you were here. So I came to see you. How are you?"

"I'm fi-" I stop myself, shaking my head. "I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet." She looks confused, but leaves it. She's cut her hair very short, but it suits her, and she's dyed it black, but it has pink streaks. She looks happy.

"How are you?" I ask.

"Oh, I'm good. I got the job I wanted! And that's okay, I mean, it's a bit more boring than I expected, but oh well."

"And Blaise?"

She giggles. "He's working in the Ministry. I know," she says, seeing my surprised expression. "And guess what? He works for Hermione!"  
I raise an eyebrow, grinning in disbelief. "Hermione, Hermione Granger?" I ask. She nods and I smile while she laughs. "I don't believe it. That is too good. I can't wait to wind him up over that," I say.

Pansy continues to tell me about everyone in our year. I learn that Granger married Weasley, who's now an Auror, and that Harry got his dream job as an Auror too. Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom are officially an item, as are Cho Chang and Oliver Rivers. Then she squeals excitedly.

"What?" I ask.

"I almost forgot," she says. "I'm engaged to Blaise!"

I grin. "That's brilliant! Congratulations." I'm happy for them. They are meant for each other.

So we chat and gossip for a while longer, but then visiting hours are over and she has to leave.

"See ya tomorrow!" she says. "I'll drop by with Blaise."

Over the next few weeks, I stay at St Mungo's, recuperating. I get lots of visitors, mostly from school. My father came every day for about a week, but I refused to see him and he has stopped coming.

Harry doesn't appear among my visitors. He really must have forgotten about me. It breaks my heart, but I try to forget about him.

I don't waste my time here. I ask a Healer about getting a job here, and though they seem reluctant to accept me because of Azkaban, Pansy has told me that everyone who fought at Hogwarts against the Dark Lord can pretty much get any job they want. So I'm hopeful.

It's the day before I am discharged. Someone knocks and I invite them in. It's my Healer, Paul. He walks over and sits down next to me. He's grinning.

"Hey. Are you still interested in working here as a Healer?"

I nod.

"Well, Head Healer was pretty against it, what with Azkaban and all, but I talked to some of your friends and then I talked to her. I mean, your exam results get you a job straight away, and you fought at Hogwarts so... well basically I convinced her to give you it. You can start training in a week or so."

I beam. At last, something good in my life! I can get my dream job. I'm so happy.

"Thanks, Paul. You didn't have to do that."

"No, I did. Sounds like you've had a pretty bad time of it the last few years. I figured you at least deserved the job you wanted." He stands up and heads to the door. "Oh, and you've got a visitor," he says as he enters the corridor.

I smile when I see black hair, but it's not Pansy.

I stare at Harry as he sits down.

"I'm so sorry, Draco," he says without looking at me. "I was here when you first got out, but you weren't conscious, then the Ministry sent me away on a completely pointless case that went down the drain. I tried to get back as soon as I heard you were awake, but they wouldn't let me. I came here the second I got back in the country."

"I thought you'd forgotten me." I say.

"I'm so sorry. I was hiding out in some obscure place and they wouldn't let me send messages, not to anyone. And it was all a waste of time. The guy wasn't even a dark wizard. Draco?"

I've started crying. I hadn't realised the thought that I'd lost Harry had hurt me so much.

"I love you."

I choke out, "I love you."

"Are you okay?" he asks. "Sorry. Stupid question. Of course not. How are you doing?"

"It was torture, Harry. Hell on earth, literally. I watched people die, I watched my mother die. I saw people lose their souls or their hope and just give up and waste away. And I was almost one of them. I almost died and you know what? I actually wish I had. Because then I wouldn't have the memories of that place. I even wish I got the Kiss. It was so awful..."  
He leans over and holds me. He's angry.

"This has to change," he says. "I'm going to change this or die trying. I will not let this happen anymore."

I push him away.

"Do you want to know why I gave up? I watched my mother die and then I just lay down and gave up. Why? Because you were the only thing I had left. Four years, Harry. Four years. You promised to visit. Where were you? You were all that kept me going. I thought, after two years, he's not coming. So I gave up. I would have been dead, except that four years out here feels like two in there. Where were you?" I am furious.

"They wouldn't let me visit. I tried so hard. I went on strike but people started dying. I am so sorry."

"You have no idea what it was like in there. I almost died because of you. You say you love me, but you practically killed me! How can I trust you?" I know I'm being irrational but I'm too angry to care. I wave my hand in front of my face.  
"I'm sorry. I'm... tired. Sorry. Come back tomorrow."

Harry goes to leave but pauses at the door.

"I do still love you. No matter what you think I do. Remember that."

Then he's gone and I'm left alone with my thoughts.


	12. Chapter 12

Sorry this took so long! It's been, what, two weeks? It took me forever to do this, because I have ideas for what to do in a few chapters, but I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to get to where I need to be for that. So I'm sort of winging it and it takes a long time to come up with ideas. Once I've got this middle bit over with, the next storyline should bring chapters faster.

I steel myself and knock on the door. Harry opens it.

"Oh," he says. "Hi. Uhh, come in, I guess."

I step into his office and he closes the door behind me, then walks to his desk and sits down. He motions for me to do the same.

"Uhh, I wanted to say sorry for yesterday. I was being really unfair." I say. Harry didn't visit this morning and I really wanted to apologise, so I came over to the Ministry almost as soon as I was discharged.

He waves his hand. "Don't worry. It's fine. I understand. I mean, I know how you f-" he stops himself, shaking his head. "No. That's just it, isn't it? I don't know how you feel. No one does and no one can."

I frown. He's right. That is exactly what I was thinking, but I didn't even know it. How does he know me better than I do?

"How are you doing?" Harry asks.

"Fine." I say. The automatic answer. Then I lower my head, looking down. "Actually, that's not true. It's awful, Harry. I still get nightmares. I was waking up screaming every night. They aren't so common now but they're still there. But what happened to me is like, the best case scenario. I'm still here, aren't I? But I was lucky. Do you know how many people die on that island?"

He sighs. "Too many. I've been trying to get it changed but I'm not powerful enough. Even after everything, the Ministry is still corrupt."

Neither of us says anything for a while.

"Where are you living?" asks Harry.

"Pansy found a flat in London. I'm working at Mungo's, so it's practical."

"Not Malfoy Manor?"

I shudder. "No. I'm going there now to get my stuff, then I never want to go back. Too many bad memories."

He nods. "Look, if you ever need help or someone to talk to, or, you know, anything, I'm here, Draco."

I smile at him, but it doesn't last for long.

Draco. Draco Malfoy, the dragon of bad faith. The Death Eater, the murderer. But before that, he was someone else completely. I look at him as I stand up to leave.

Draco Malfoy is dead now. And I am here instead of him.

Once I am out of the Ministry, I apparate to the gates of Malfoy Manor. My home for most of my life looks so unfamiliar and sinister I almost back out. But I walk through them and up the long drive before I can talk myself out of this. With any luck my father will be out, and I can get my stuff and go without having to talk to him.

I reach the massive wooden doors and perform the usual spell that disables the security enchantments.

It doesn't work.

What's going on? We've used the same spell ever since I can remember. Why would my father have changed it? I bang on the door in frustration, not expecting to achieve anything, but as I hit it a small square melts away from the wood, leaving a silvery surface underneath.

"State name and purpose," says a voice from the square.

I swear. Now there's no chance of getting in without having to see my father.

"Draco Malfoy," I say through gritted teeth, "here to collect possessions." To my surprise, the square fills in with wood again and the doors swing open. I walk in slowly, peering around the gloomy hall nervously. I might still be able to avoid him, because I can't see or hear my father as I hurry up the stairs towards my room. I push open the door, expecting everything to be as I left it. But what I find only makes me hate my father more.

I move carefully into the room, staring at the chaos surrounding me. My stuff is all over the floor, drawers tipped out. My bed is on its side, the mattress slashed open, and my desk has been smashed to pieces. He searched my room, I don't know what for, but he didn't bother to clear up behind himself. I clench my fists as I bend down to pick up a picture of mother and my eight-year-old self, ripped in two.

"Draco," says someone from behind me, and I spin around clumsily to face the doorway. "Uhh, sorry about the mess," says my father. "I ran out of money and uhh... I thought you might have some. Didn't think you'd mind, what with you being in Azkaban and all." He brushes his long unkempt hair out of his eyes as I glare at him.

He's obviously drunk, and stubble covers his face. He's not been keeping himself well since I left.

"You...," I whisper.

He smiles and staggers towards me, more of my things crunching under his feet.

"Good to have you back, son," he mumbles. He tries to grab me in a hug, but I dodge out of the way.

"I am not your son," I hiss as he stumbles, catching himself on what remains of my wardrobe. "You are not my father. Do you have any idea at all how much I despise you?"

He looks at me, puzzled. "Whatchoo talkin bout, Draco? What d'you mean?"

"You are a cowardly, disgusting, backstabbing bastard. You killed my mother and you almost killed me. You didn't stand up for your own wife and now she's dead. We rotted in there while you were sitting out here, comfortable and safe. You should be dead right now. You make me sick. Get out of my room, now, before I hurt you."

It's taking all the self control I have to not grab my wand and kill him now. He looks hurt but backs out of the room without arguing.

I turn and survey the mess that is my possessions. I want to get out of here as soon as possible, so I don't bother sorting through anything. I conjure a few boxes and pack everything into them, then shrink them down so they fit into one box, which I take downstairs. In the hall, though, I bump into someone I don't recognise.

A women with smeared make-up and almost non-existent clothes smiles at me.

"'Lo, Lucius. Great night or what?" she drawls. My lip curls and I push her away, fists clenching as I walk out of the door and down the driveway. I'm just about to apparate when I hear my name.

"What do you want?" I spit.

"Whatsematter?" He asks. "Why you not staying?"

"Because," I reply, still walking, "I have no desire to see you ever again. If I even catch a glimpse of you, I will kill you."

And I apparate away before he can talk. I have to wipe away angry tears as I unlock the door of my new home. I push it open and walk in, carrying all of my possessions in a single box, which I dump on the hallway floor before walking on. I look into each room until I find a bedroom. I collapse on the bed.

My father is a wreck. But I can tell he doesn't even care about me or mother. He's forgotten us already.

Well, good. I don't want anything to do with him or the name of Malfoy any more. I curl up into a ball. I'm exhausted. Weeks of nothing but lying in bed have left me tired after little exertion. I try to sleep, but I can't. Instead my mind replays today.

The more I look at it, the more I realise I was channelling Harry this morning. I threatened my father in exactly the same way as he threatened me. I wonder if he now feels like I did and for a while I feel sorry for him and regret doing what I did. But then I remember everything he did and I decide he actually did deserve it.

I finally fall into a fitful sleep, but for once, the nightmares don't come at all. Instead I see Harry, laughing and smiling.


End file.
